I've always wondered how there could be variations in peoples' personas during different circumstances.  From what I see, there seems to be 3 main forms--but not limited to--of people interacting with their environment and themselves.  I don't know if there are certain terminologies for what I've observed, but these are the things that I've noticed.

(1)  You + others (strangers):  It's funny how people sort of act in a different way when they are around someone new.  I guess many of us always want to make a good impression whenever they meet someone.  For example, getting to know someone often starts with some hesitation and slight apprehension because it's usually hard to get to know someone when the only exchange of conversation is a simple "Hello."  There is a closed vale between you and the other person, and certain self expressions are buried behind the nervous wreckage of reluctantcy.  Of course, you wouldn't want to pick your nose, make unusual noises, or project something that comes across as off-putting.

(2)  You + others (who are close to you):  Usually, family members and close friends only see this side of you.  Yes, it's perfectly okay and human to pass gas while playing Goldfish and burp loudly after taking a sip of Coca-Cola.  I guess this is the more relaxed and truer nature of what we call our "self" --the one that rids of any punctual formalities and that critical eye for judgemental discourse.  You become more light-hearted and are fully involved with your interractions with others.  An analogy could be a newly married couple:  after the honeymoon is over and 2 to 3 kids are born, that's when the, more or less, ugly side of ourselves begin to surface.  However, this reveals our more genuious side--the side that shows a fluctuation of reactions with the environment.

(3)  You + no none:  When you are by yourself, that's when there is a need to reflect.  At the end of the day when you get off work or from school and go over to the fridge to get a beer and slouch down on the sofa, that's when, I think, our true nature surfaces.  Ironically, I think our subconscious should be called our "conscious" self.   Also, I think this is when the serious side of oursleves begin to emerge.   I guess we sort of  ponder about the past experiences and remember about certain things, coupled with an introspection of reflective questions.  These are the moments of solitude or perhaps being alone.

Well these are just some random thoughts.  I guess there could be more subsets and more categories of consciousness.  For instance, what if the environment included animals or people who are disabled (autism, birth impairment, etc.)?  How would we react then? 


Thinh Nguyen

What is more important?  Engaging in an activity (participant) through physical maneuvers or establishing some sort of connection (observer) through critical thinking?

I've been thinking for a while now.  If an unintentionalized act that is being committed, without the intent to execute it, would that activity come across as a legitimate one?  Likewise, if a person establishes pictures in his or her head and intends to do a certain kind of activity but doesn't have the will power to do so, would that equate to being a legitimate one as well?  Ultimately, this spawns the question if whether the embodiment of observer and participant can effect one another by working together or separately.

I've heard some stories of crime incidents on television a while back, so this thought is long overdue.  There are always cases of where people have killed other people because of an accident--a car crash, a gun fired by impulse, or even a jab to the organs by a sudden need to protect one's own life.  Whatever the case may be, accidents do not require a premeditated effort.  Yeah, holding a weapon close to oneself may come across as threatening, but the fact of the matter is, the intent is used for defense, not offense.  The intention to harm someone hasn't crystalized because there would be no need for such actions had the original circumstance didn't permit it.  It's like fighting in a war one doesn't believe in. 

And then there is is the observer.  I think another name for this is the "theoretical participant".  It really is like playing a game in one's own mind, splurging in different possibilities and lusting on predictions of what will happen next.  There always seems to be a mastermind behind every activity.  Whether the mastermind participates in these regulations is a whole different story. 

From a personal view, I seem to tip the scale on the observer spectrum.  It probably has to do with my introverted character.  I'm a homebody and many active activities I do are solo--riding bikes, drawing (if that is even considered active), flying kites, exercising, etc.  I guess it's to compensate for my lack of social interaction with new people.  For example, I'll always remember my teachers and past friends in the elementary and jr. high years.  Now, I'll never have the guts to pop up in a class one day and say hi to a fellow teacher.  I always wonder if they'll remember my name or who I was.  I recall walking home from high school eveyday, and I would pass through my old elementary school because this was the fastest route home.  I've gotten past the first gate and saw my second grade teacher keeping an eye on the kids as they crossed the dark pavement on the street.  I walked past her and kept my head low hoping she wouldn't recognize me.  Frankly, I did not do that out of disrespect or want to come across as spitefully cold.  I was scared.  I was scared to confront an old teacher after all these years.  And as in "confront," I don't mean it in a codescending way but in a timid attitude.  A couple of weeks later my older brother said he had said hi to my old teacher, and she told him that she recognized me and was saddened by the fact that she said "[I] acted as if I didn't even [know her]."  Shortly after, I visited her.  That was the last time I've spoken with her.  I want to visit her again, but I am always burdened by my nature.  Now, I have no idea if she or any of my older teachers or friends still remember me.  It's as if the waters in the river have smoothed away the rigidness of the rocks through time, turning it into specs of sand.

I know that it's often said that "action speak louder than words," but what good is action if there is no meaning to it.  I wouldn't want to give someone flowers and not have an ounce of appreciation for the person.  That would be pointless.  Also, there's also the saying that "it's the thought that counts," but what good is thought if there is nothing practical about it.  Many people preach on and on, but they never pratice what they preach.  I guess I shouldn't just talk the talk or walk the walk, but I should talk and walk at the same time.  It's strange how things make more sense when they are balanced.


Thinh Nguyen

I have the hardest time accepting change.  Change is something that occurs over time, and whether I like it or not, it is not sentimental towards anything around it.  I know that change will always bring suffering if one is not able adapt to its conditions.  It's always nice to wish that everything will remain as it always was, but the real world doesn't sit still.  Things are always evolving, always transitioning to another realm.  I'm still relatively new at college life right now and having a hard time getting used to being alone most of the time.  It does feel depressing at times, and sometimes I wish I could go to a time machine and rewind my life to a happier moment.  But life is not like a VCR where I have the option of doing that.  However, I guess if change does sit still, the world would be a much duller place to live in.  I have the options to laugh, cry, hate, fear, and love in this world, so why not make the best of it.


Thinh Nguyen

Crickets chirping under the moon-lit night outside my bedroom window, accompanied by the subdued background music of family discourse.

Yup, it's almost the start of the Lunar New Year, but the holiday spirit is as lackluster as the empty feeling I've been having lately.  And that's not hyperbole.  I'd never thought I'd lived to see the day that I'll be excited for school to start again.  It's interesting how much one can change after being retracted from social discourse for so long...

As the new semester kicks in, I'll be jumping on the work study program to help me acquire work some experience and hopefully be a more active individual.  I've never been one of those bright students who would receive high marks in school or was a well-rounded person when it came to doing extracurricular activities.  I guess as time passes, I willingly wanted to explore the world more and not live such a sheltered life.  But I do it in such a slow pace that others would assume like I'd came from another planet.  Slow and steady has always my philosophy, but not everyone is familiar with that.

With the year 2009 rolling in, it's beginning to bring upsetting changes.  My parents' health isn't as good as it used to be.  My dad has occasionally had back problems because of carrying cargo, and coupled with my mom, they both have high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  Our family had begun to change our diet and opting to exercise more and eating healthier.  This involves not snacking too much and lowering our daily intake of carbs.  My older brother also started going to the gym, and I gotta say, he's been making some good progress.  Also, there have been rumours that several banks around our neighborhood going under bankruptcy, so it's kind of disconcerting when finding a job is so hard nowadays for so many people struggling to make ends meet.

Whenever my mom and grandma calls over to Vietnam and talk with my oldest brother, there is always a refusal for my dad to talk to him on the phone.  Given, my oldest brother had done several foolish and ignorant choices in the past.  My dad, especially, is tired of all the mendacity and lies my brother had done.  I, too, am becoming increasingly distant towards him, even before his trip to Vietnam.  I truly hope things will get better, and things will get resolved when my brother returns.

Just some streaming of thoughts.  Been feeling kind of down lately.


Thinh Nguyen

Some of the best things in life comes from the simplest.  Call it cliched or overused, but complexity isn't easy to dabble one's fingers onto.  Usually, no one wants to make things harder for themselves, and often times, simplicity reigns much more significance through subtle moves than opposed to superfluousness.  Noticing the subtle variations in real life could be a whole movie in itself.  The way a tall, sleek tree slightly bends and forms a nice arch because of piles of leaves or birdnests on top have caused it to do so isn't what many would notice, but when one actually sits down and notices these things, it really does become introspective.  If people hold on to too many things, either material or psychological-wise, then they will start to tilt a little and direct themselves towards a different direction.  By no means is that detrimental, because the experiences and events in people's lives help shape and sculpt who they are today.  No one can say that had things been different otherwise, then there won't be a worse scenerio.  Different events in people's lives have occured because of some sort of reason.  Whatever those reasons may be, it's up to the individual to find out by holding on to life.

I'm at school right now.  After attending my Art Civilization Class, I've traversed the campus around for a bit and turned in my work study slip at the Financial Aid Office.  Now, I'm just hoping that there is free space available for me to get into the program.  I also went to the art department to arrange an appointment with an advisor.  Note to self: VA 290A at 1:00 PM, Tuesday.

I'm just waiting for my next class and pretty much wasting time at this point.  I'll maybe cruise over to the upper floor to get some reading.  I'd never thought I would witness myself reading for enjoyment.  I need to grab something to eat later because I'll need the fuel for the remainder of my day at school, for this semester I have a Greek Philosophy Class at 7:00 PM - 9:45 PM.  Luckily, it's just for Monday only.

Looks like it's going to be a long day...


Thinh Nguyen

Dang, sometimes I feel like I'm living in a bad dream.  Just when I want to wake up and want everything to be ok, I'm faced with the harsh reality that what I'm witnessing is real--real as the blood flowing through my veins or as the air wisping through my face.

It seems that  my oldest brother in Vietnam is still continuing his rebellious behavior.  Like here in the US, he keeps refusing to give an assurance of his well being and where he's going.  Moreover, this is causing my parents and our relatives in Vietnam become oblivious on his whereabouts.  He hasn't called in over a week, and when someone tries to contact him, the dices come up empty.  This is one of his hallmark trait--always being inconsiderate and fakefully portraying a false impression whenever he is around the family.  It's as if he's putting on a show, and he shows his true colors on his own terms.  I wonder if he'll ever snap out of it.

I just hope he realizes family is the bedrock in one's inner peace and happiness.  But with his inconsistency with bonding with family, I truly do not know if he will ever reconcile.


Thinh Nguyen