Talk about insomnia.  Recently, my sleeping patterns have changed drastically since school ended.  I'm staying up late into the night and even past the morning.  Doing what?  Just surfing the net or enjoying some time on Rappelz.

May was not a good month for me.  I've been struggling to find inner peace within myself.  So many things are changing around me, and I have to admit, I can't keep up.  I'm struggling.  I'm struggling to find that happiness I've once felt long ago.  Where is it?  Personal problems are surfacing within my family, and all I can do is contemplate.  And they say the Year of the Ox was a good year for the Snake.  I beg to differ.  If this is supposed to be one of my best years, I can't imagine what one of my bad years would be like.  I sure wouldn't hope to find out real soon.  I'm completely drained.


Thinh Nguyen

Just listen.

I remember a few months back when I searched some videos about whether college students experience any loneliness.  Then, I noticed a related vid with someone talking about their social anxiety.  While watching it, I began to have some flashbacks about my own life.  As I've been watching more and more videos, I wonder if I have social anxiety or not.  That's what I've been trying to find out as of late.

All my life, I've been very shy.  Every time anyone would ask me if I wanted to go out--whether it is to the movies or eat--I would be very anxious and nervous.  I don't know why but any time I have to go out somewhere, I would be incredibly anxious.  Also, when my dad stops by the grocery store or gas station and wants to go in and buy something, I would insist on being in the car.  I was very adamant about it.  And it's not just public places.  Whenever there is a family gathering, I would be in my room for the majority of the time.  I'd want to be respectful and say hi to everyone coming in, but my nerves always get the best of me.  Some of my relatives always joke about the way I act.  I figured I'd just grow out of it, but things have remained the same since childhood.

I'm beginning to make connections of my behaviour with that of social anxiety.  In high school, I remember there was a place where some of my friends and I hung out.  It was the "tree."  But during sophomore year, they started hanging out at different places, and I started to feel awkward being at the tree with only a couple of friends, including an array of ridiculous characters.  Some joined clubs and could no longer eat at the tree, while others made new friends.  Later I began to outcast myself.  However, I don't think anyone would have guessed I was feeling incredibly lonely.  I try to act social and look as if I'm feeling positive.  But I know deep down it's just a facade.  Lunch time in high school was always hard when I the library or computer lab was closed because these are the 2 places I wanted to go.

I haven't told anyone this, but there was the time at grad night.  It's an experience I truly wish to wiped off my memory, so I'll get it off my chest.  I recall purchasing a ticket to go to Disneyland  for grad night only because some of my friends were going.  I thought I'd be having grad night with my "friends" that were going.  Turns out I spent all my time there alone and incredibly frustrated.  Those grueling hours of being alone at Disneyland felt like years of painstaking heartache.  I went on the rides and walked around a lot to make the most out of it.  On a good note, the rides were pretty fun.  But it would have been much more enjoyable with friends there sharing it with you...

Through all that's happened, it's no one's fault.  I don't know what I was thinking about going to grad night, knowing that I would not enjoy that amount of outlandish social atmosphere.  I guessed I wanted to break out of my comfort zone.  Conversely, being there only intensified my anxiety.  I just want that experience to be forgotten.

There are many examples of how I showcase my anxiety throughout my life thus far, but I don't want to disclose any more information.  Just thinking about someone who I know could be reading this or any of my other blogs gets me very anxious.

I just remembered something.  Reading over my past blogs, I've noticed I posted several topics about of how me being introverted, shy, and anxious.  It's funny that before I discovered the topic of social anxiety, I had written things dealing with my shy disposition.

I'm still investigating about whether I have social anxiety disorder.  I don't want to exaggerate something that is this serious.  Of all that's happened, I don't want to blame it all on social anxiety because that's like me having to scapegoat: "Because of this reason, I had to ___."  But the more I'm learning about it, the more I'm beginning to parallel it to my own life.

Though there are some things I'm not anxious about.  Believe it or not, doing class presentations are okay for me, and going to some public places aren't half as bad.  I don't get too nervous in presentations because of me having to do so many presentations in high school already.  I enjoy it sometimes.  Some of the public places I like to go are to the Art Supply Warehouse, getting my hair cut, and the park.  I cherish my time being in solitude, but I also need to be around people as well.  I'm better at having a one-on-one coversatioin than having 3 or more.

Let's leave it at that.  I'll track my progress as I research more on this topic.  Peace.


Thinh Nguyen